Dirty Laundry

After many discussions on how I waste my time reading nonsense on Facebook when I can be blogging, releasing my thoughts and sharing with the world experiences of my day, I've come to that point where I want to start writing again.

Hello all... So I'm not sure where to start.  So much has happened since my last blog and this can go on forever.  I guess I can write on a topic that is very disturbing for me and quite painful.  I'm not about airing out my dirty laundry on the internet whether it be with the hundreds of friends one may have on Facebook or the followers on Twitter.  It's tacky and very disrespectful and in my opinion, says a lot about one's character.

Me and Gavin's dad didn't work out and it's unfortunate.  I'm not happy about it and could only wish that things were different, but things don't always work out the way we planned or hoped.  All I can do is move on and take care of my son and maybe myself too. ;)  In the midst of this nasty breakup, it has been brought to my attention that my ex so freely bashes me indirectly on Facebook/Twitter, etc... 

We're going on 6 months of being apart and till this day, things are still being said about me on the internet.  If that's how he releases, that's fine, BUT I am the mother of his child, someone he shared 5 years with, someone who stuck by his side through ALL obstacles, forgave his mistakes and loved him more and more and more no matter what knife he stabbed me with.  I am the person who so selflessly gave everything to make him happy even when the pain was so unbearable.  I carried our beautiful son for 9 months doing everything right to make sure our baby had the best and I delivered the most amazing child I'll ever know who has taught me more about the word "unconditional".  I crouch my head down in embarrassment not knowing what his audience thinks of me after he has entertained them with garbage.

Even though hurtful things have been said about me to my shock and to the shock of my friends, I don't find any comfort in disrespecting him in the same distasteful manner.  I love him and I respect him and that's how it is.  Bashing him will not make me feel any better nor will it take me out of the pit of misery I have in my stomach.  I can't believe that someone I thought loved me would do such a thing to embarrass me for the worldwide web to see.  It also hurts to know that the clients he shares an intimacy with while tattooing them gets to hear the same garbage.

How does this make me feel?  DEFEATED.  EMPTY.  HUMILIATED.  ASHAMED.  EMBARRASSED.  RIDICULED.  HEARTBROKEN.  I'm sure you get what I'm saying. 

During one of our heated fights, he mentioned that our friends have perfect relationships on Facebook and ours is nothing like theirs.  WOW!!!  Facebook is fake!  People announce what they want their friends to know.  In his case, he wants to find some validation for the dirt he does because he's not doing anything wrong.  Right???????  Right...  I have my faults and I'm not afraid to admit that.  I am not perfect and everyday is a lesson for me.  Mature and respectful people do not air out their dirty laundry.  That is kept private as the skid marks on one's underwear.

Yes, I felt defeated that I have my hands tied.  I will not retaliate.  I will deal with this and try to lift that head up high no matter what has been said about me.  I know I'm a good woman and did my best to make this relationship work and to be a good parent to our son.  If he could not see or appreciate that even after all he has put me through in the past 5 years, then clearly, I need to keep moving forward.  As much as it hurts and lingers in my heart with crazy thoughts running through my mind, I must stay strong and know that 1 day my time will come.  Someone more deserving of what I have to offer will find me.  Until that day happens, I must focus on getting better and being strong for my innocent child who will be a product of a broken home like his mama. 

Karma will play its part in all of this and if this is another one of life's lessons, maybe it's time for me to see if the grass is greener on the other side.

Good night world and thank you for taking the time to read this.  I'll keep ya posted.