Locked up!

For 10 years now, I feel as if I'm an animal in a cage.  As I mentioned in my first blog, my parents always thought I'd be nothing.  I was a bright student and got lost along the way because of distractions.  I never got to follow my dreams.  All I wanted to do was prove my parents wrong and I did, but not to my benefit.  I wasn't doing what I wanted. 

After graduating from Carondelet, my dad thought it'd be a great idea to enroll me into Heald College.  Long story short, I didn't go to FIDM as I wanted.  I completed my 18 month course in Computer Electronics and am proud to say that I paid my way through college, but computers wasn't my passion.  Since 1998, I've been working in the IT field.  This is not me!  This is not what I wanted!  I guess at the time, it was the hype of the .com bizz and everyone was jumping on that and making money. 

Through the years, I wondered where I'd be had I followed my dream of becoming a fashion designer.  Then I scratched that idea out and thought what my life would be like if I became a hair dresser.  The thought of me going back to school didn't sit well because who would pay my bills?  I could have been done by now.  I could have been working in a salon with cool, trendy women, setting my own schedules and making good money.  I live behind 3 freakin' beauty schools.  Was that a sign?  I did try to pursue my makeup venture.  I worked for Benefit Cosmetics for a year and loved it, but I couldn't do retail.  It was putting a strain on my personal life because I was working 2 jobs and never had time for me or my family and friends.  I was working 60 hour weeks and forget about weekends... What was that?  I did pick up a few gigs here and there and enjoyed doing wedding makeup, but I was limited in my supplies.  I didn't have money to buy all the necessities. So once again, I scratched that idea. 

Then I picked up the glue gun like my mom and made things.  I made favors, baskets, hairpieces, wreaths, etc.  Now, I want to sew.  Why does a sewing machine intimidate me?  Why do I have so many excuses to not pursue something different?  I have so many ideas running through my head as I sit at my 9-5 job that it drives me crazy!  I'm not supposed to be here.  I'm not supposed to be doing IT crap or marketing materials that have no creativity.  I should be home with my son!  I should be putting my thoughts out on fabrics, hair, felt, lace, tulle, silk, etc.  Maybe even doing makeup again.  Something!  I'm in a rut.  I read all these wonderful blogs of stay-at-home moms who put their creativity out there and make money.  I can do the same!  Why are my insecurities of not succeeding and jeopardizing my job holding me in this cage?  The truth is, I need this job.  I've been here for 10 years.  I have great benefits, I live 10 minutes away, and it pays the bills.  I'm a prisoner of my own dreams. 

Well, I'm starting to get organized at home.  I'm slowly purging out the crap that I don't need or didn't realize needed to get tossed.  Once I organize my life, maybe then I can take my baby steps in achieving something I love.  Till then, I'll be in this rut in my little cage called "Life."