Who's That Girl?

Often times we search the net looking for answers.  We Google in hopes of finding solutions or meanings or just to search for random thoughts we have and wondering if others think the same or are going through the same ordeal.  Well, I've always went to friends for advice and checked the internet to see other blogs to put my mind at ease.  I finally thought to myself that maybe I can be that someone who can touch a soul or help put a mind at ease.  My stories may or may not inspire you, but it will definitely help someone out there.

Who am I you ask?  Well, I'm proud to say that I'm a first-time mom, full-time employee, a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend, but most of all, I'm HUMAN.  I feel what everyone feels.  I've gone through my share of trials and tribulations.  It wasn't until recently that I have been overjoyed being blessed with my son, Gavin.  It's so weird to say.  I never thought that the day of me becoming a mother would happen so soon.  It's an amazing feeling!

Let me back up to my early years.  I'm a product of a broken home.  Both my parents had horrible childhoods growing up in the Philippines.  My mom is a twin and you can tell her apart from her sister in pictures because she's the one always in tears.  I've always wondered why a beautiful little girl like my mom never smiled in her pictures.  Maybe I'll never understand the way things were done in those days or how traumatic her upbringing was, but I do know that everyone has a choice.  You can choose to make yourself happy and fulfill your life with what you lacked growing up OR you can continue the painful cycle and keep reliving your painful past.

My dad, an ex navy man, who had so much going for him threw his life away.  My dad was always the top student in his class growing up in the Philippines.  So why does the top student have so much anger and hostility built up inside?  Why did he leave the Navy after a few years of service?  What happens when you get two people together with similar family upbringings?  You get my parents.  My parents continued their cycle.  They used their pain to justify their wrongful actions as an adult.  The poor choices they made held them back from being happy and seeking a better and fulfilling life.

Needless to say, my childhood wasn't so different from theirs.  The cycle continued onto me.  I didn't have 1 childhood memory that I can honestly say brings a smile to my face.  I didn't have any siblings to play with.  I wanted what I saw on TV.  Shows like Who's the Boss, Different Strokes, Punky Brewster, Cosby Show and Facts of Life are just a few that would take me away from reality.  I would pretend I was part of those families.  I lacked the feeling of being loved, wanted, special, someone that brought joy to the faces of those who had bad days at work.  My parents would take their anger out on me because that's all they knew.  I can go on and on about how rough it was growing up for me, but I don't want to put my parents on blast.

My mom and I now have a great relationship.  I still call her mommy and I still kiss her on the lips like I'm still her little girl.  As for my dad, I haven't spoken to him in 5 years.  He will always be the angry person.  No matter if a person has everything, they will always be unhappy.  They will always find a reason to justify their demons.

I'm now 31 years old.  I lived a life I never thought I would have.  I CHOSE to be happy and to bring smiles to faces.  I wanted to feel complete knowing I lived a fulfilling life with valuable relationships with family, friends, significant others and now my son.  I want to give him everything I didn't have.  I don't need to spoil him with material things, I want to give him the love and happiness he needs to grow as a person.  He is loved by everyone and always brings a smile to my face.  I will live for him.  I will sacrifice for him.  I will fight for him.  I will be his MOMMY.

I broke the cycle.  I proved my parents wrong.  It was instilled in my head that I would be nothing.  I wouldn't be successful.  I would end up like those people in the streets.  Those words among many hurtful ones were my ammo to living a better life for me and making a prosperous future for myself and my family.  The grass IS greener on the other side if you CHOOSE to make better decisions.  I am proud to say that I became a homeowner at 26 years old.  I've been with my company for 10 years, I have a decent car, I've traveled and will continue to do so given I have the means to.  I have a boyfriend that keeps me on my toes, but loves me for me and he and I created the most beautiful baby with such a cute personality.  My boyfriend and I, together we will raise our son to be the best he can be and to always remind him that he is loved and how he brings joy everyday to our lives.